Are we just not as hot as we think we are? He asked with equal levels of sincerity and self deprecation.
Maybe man, maybe. I shook my head in matching bewilderment.
The partner, Mike, and I have been talking about opening our relationship for a few years now, since before we moved to Portugal. Aside from a few almost-run ins neither of has have sealed the deal yet.
I attribute this to both our intense and unhealthy codependency that has been gluing us together since COVID and this life altering move and, to the absolute aloofness of the Portuguese people. Some of the most beautiful, kind people I have met but since I arrived here I have been wondering— how the fuck does anyone fuck around here?
Example given: a friend came to visit, one I wouldn’t classify as a total creep aside from the general creepiness of being a cis male. All that to say, I trust his assessment. He was at a cafe and sees a beautiful woman who he gives a gentle smile to. A little, hey, I see you seeing me thing. She then comes up to him and asks, I’m sorry, do you need help?
Mike and I both have had similar interactions with people since moving here. We are both pretty flirtatious people who enjoy the little boost of seeing others and being seen in return.
My first flirt with polyamory was with a cutie at some cafe. I hadn’t the slightest idea if he was also interested in me until I ran into him one night where he grabbed my thigh after a fleeting moment of eye contact in the crowd as people sang along drunkenly to some vintage Portuguese bangers. Hint taken. This soon fizzled out and gratefully so as I really don’t want to spend my spare time fraternizing with men.
I signed up for a cornucopia of dating apps upon first arriving here only to be met with matches followed by no replies or underwhelming responses. I soon paused the accounts and only found myself nearly two years later reactivating them.
Inspired by a friend taking life and the male Porto dating population by the balls after being royally fucked over by her years long ex; if she can get on the horse then so can I. I signed up for Hinge and turned on women and non binary folks only.
I filled out my profile with the quippiest responses I could muster with a full disclosure that I am married to a man (but please don’t run away). Days of swiping and liking and overthinking crafty responses I finally get a few hits. I of course could not muster the bravery to send the first message but apparently neither could they.
Again, how are people fucking in this place? Am I broken?
Eventually I get a response from a real. life. woman! We exchange a few pleasantries and she asks clarifying that I have a boyfriend. I say, Yeah, I have a partner, we are married sandwiched between other questions and answers to her questions in hopes that it lands but also falls through the cracks of my overly attempted cuteness.
Silence.
This naturally sent me into a spiraling pit of anxiety and realization of my inevitable future as a social pariah because I am wifed up. Of course it is more than fine that she feels this way, it is why I am honest about it but that doesn’t stop my inner critic from having a hay day.
Mike has had a different approach the last couple years with similar but less humiliating results. He’s gone the route of meeting IRL but when you are codependent and go everywhere with your partner it’s a wee bit difficult to put out the vibe that you are DTF. So he chose to join me and our friend in the tumultuous existence of dating apps. He went with Feeld. An app for open minded folks where you share your sexual desires and specific things you’re looking for with other open folks. This clicked to me that I also had that app but had paused it many moons ago.
I open it up to see that I had indeed not paused it but my profile had been open for the Porto community to see and swipe through. I clicked on the likes and had 61 waiting for me. Only 61? Ego stinger. I update my photos to more recent ones not before hyper-analyzing the uptick in wrinkles I have acquired in the past two years and change my bio to a less obnoxious but equally overthought little paragraph of what I’m looking for— not to forget to add that I am married (but I won’t ask you to sleep up with us I promise).
It took my technology illiterate brain a whole day to turn off the ‘searching for: men’ tab and in that day I received notification after notification of likes pouring in. Ego pick-me-up activated. Once I find the toggle to shut the men out, the likes were much fewer and farther between and this is when the old reel of not being queer enough started playing in the background of my anxious mind. The voices of my past friends telling me that bi people are just kidding themselves.
I’m finding that I am getting likes but the people that I am liking are not reciprocating. I said to Mike as we sat outside a restaurant sipping an after meal espresso.
Same man, same. He said with equal gumption.
I don’t know if it’s textbook healthy for the two of us to be talking about the dating scene we find ourselves in but as we’ve established, our relationship has already reached peak unhealthy place so what’s a little more in the fire huh. Maybe if we actually start making matches we will hold a little more privacy but in the meantime we are enjoying commiserating in the oddness of dating life after eight years of only each other.
You are fucking hot. I say in all seriousness.
Dude, you are too!
Loved reading this!💗